*I am sorry really*

Hey people. I have been down this few days. Really.Well first of all me and Han are just dating right now. We decided to start from square one since he thinks that we should just get to know each other. At first, I really did not want it.I do not want anything related of losing him. I mean I love him very much. A lot. But things we are facing right now must be handle slowly. He needs time for us to be normal again. But I let it be in the end to save our relationship. Hanbali, did you know that I think of you all the time. I really miss the time that we have last time. The most I miss is those 3 beautiful words you said to me at rondom places and time. I really miss the time when you said I love you every single day. Now, you no longer said it. Sometimes, I wonder if you still feel the same way. Even though I keep asking you from time to time whether you still love me but its not the same as last time. I want to ask you this question since I know that you are going to read my blog anyways, I want to ask, whether you treasure those memories we had together? Do you miss them like the way I do? Do you wish things to go back to the way as it was last time?  Do you miss holding my hand? Kissing me at random time when noone is looking? Hugging me even though everyone is looking. Did you miss those times? Cause I do. Very much. I cry to myself every time I think of those sweet sweet memories. Now, I know that I can no longer have them. It really kills me on the inside slowly. How I wish I didnt make that stupid mistake. How I wish we were happy. I want you Hanbali. I miss you so so so very much. Do you miss me? Hanbali these are the questions that I ask myself everytime. Every moment.

But the way you treat me right now is really saddening. It is as if you dont care. But I will be patient. I know we need to be patient. I want you to be like last time. The loving Han that I love. And still do. I dont us to be like this anymore. I had a talk with Sheila just now. She supports you. She thinks the way you do. My family all missses you. My brother and sister keep on asking...

"Kak, bila Han nak datang lagi?,"

"Kak, Han maner?"

I just keep on saying, he will come soon if he can. He will dont worry.

How I wish you were right here with me right now and saying everything will be okay. Hugging me tight. How I wish I can hug you again. Let all my feelings out to you. Cry on your shoulder as much as I want to right now. Even right now, my eyes are blur from the tears and hand is trembling while typing this. I want to say I love you face to face to you. I really miss you. I know I been behaving very not me but please understand me that it takes time for me to adapt to us like this. I want adapt to you again. Be that happy two sweet couple again. I want to trust you like last time. Hanbali, I know I said this a lot of time but I am so sorry for the way I acting right now. Please understand that it is hard for me. I want to be happy again. I really do. I hate seeing myself like this.I hate seeing us like this. As I look at the star, I see you. Because you are my shining star. You are still the brightest star in the sky. I saw you yesterday up there at Woodlands Waterfront.

Hanbali, I know you are reading this but here is a message from me to you. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I know that your not like last time but I really trying to gain that from you. My efforts of getting you is not going to be wasted.I been through so much to get you. Really. I will do it again if I have to. We can get through this. Please.  I hope that you are also trying with me. Hanbali, do you wish things were like last time? The way you hold my hand, hug me and kiss me? How we went out and have fun until didnt realise the time? How we didnt want to seperate from each other. How we keep on thinking of each other even though we are just next to each other? How you use to spend the whole day at my house and entertaining my siblings. Getting along with them. Helping them with their schoolwork. How much fun we had at the chalet. Even though there were tears. How you put me to sleep. And making sure that I do not get cold at night. How you kiss me goodnight during the chalet. Even though usually, you will be outside not sleeping but checking in on me everytime. Kissing me silently when I am sleeping? How we laugh at other people and how you always make fun of me. How we hang out at Keppel Bay, Orchard, Tasik, Dhoby Ghout, Chua Chu Kang, Clementi, Pasir Ris. How inseperable we are. How you whisper I love you to my ear at random times. Surprising me with things. How we always argue about being equal. How I complain that I do not like you paying for my stuff all the time. How you waking me up in class every time I doze off. How you bought me sweets to keep me awake in class. How concentrate we were when playing our Sydney game. How you smile so widely when I kiss you on your cheek. How we spend most our time at my house doing up our song. Hanbali, I just love you. I cant let you go. I just cant. The thought of you leaving me for good is too scary to even imagine.

I want you to know, that I miss all those times I mention above. And I am really sorry. I hope you read until the end that I really miss you.