*Behind every smile, there is sadness in me*

Yeah, that quote suit me alot now. I mean really. I will always smile but behind it my heart is crying. Again, emo post again? Yeah because I am in emo mood. When I am not in emo mood? When people dont hurt me. That is my answer.

I mean sure I have my superheroes to help along with it but without them I feel... lonely. Guess, that is the word I am feeling right now. I feel like I am using my friends you know. Because I need them to make me happy. To make me laugh. And not think of things that get me down. Like a friend of mine said. more like a big brother, 

"You are healing fast now. Maybe when school re open you dont care about all this stuff"

Yeah right. Maybe? I am healing because I am with you guys. You guys are the ones that can make me feel free. I feel myself when I am with you guys. Like the old Mylia. Really, but somehow when you guys are not with me, I feel so sad. GOSH, now I really feel like I am using my friends. If you guys feel that way, I am sorry.

Because right now, I am confuse. Confuse of things. I mean I do not know who is my real friends. Who is not my friends. 

Yeah, sure move on... It is easy said than done. Because of someone maybe I am not what I am now. I regret what I am now. But what am I suppose to do? It already happened. I have to accept what shit I am now in. Yeah... SHIT la. This is all shit. 

I cant move on. Fuck the advice saying I have to move on. Because I simply cant. I am still thinking of that person. That very same person. I still want to be with that person. Even though how much it is killing me that he is not mine to begin with. He belong to someone else. He belong to a friend. 

I cry because of this. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Not giving up on life but giving up on friends and stuff. Giving up on caring what people feel. Really I do. But in the end I still care. Because it is hard not caring. 

Why is it so hard?

Every now and then I hear his voice. His angry voice. People do not know how much it hurts me to hear that voice. It still rings in my head. I wish I just wish I can disappear or at least have amnesia so that I wont remember any of this. it is like living a new life. But no, I have to remember it. 

Every morning I woke up thinking of the same person I have almost a year ago. Yeah, it almost been a year. 

HAIX. Now I really feel like crying. But I cant because that makes me weak. Forget it, I am weak. 

People are happy around me. But only me. FUCK it sia. 

Happy, that is he only thing I wanna be right now. Be happy with no worries. It sucks.

I have no idea what the future have in store for me. But no matter what, I have to accept it. GOSH, tears are falling down at this moment. Because right now I think have they ever thought of my feelings? Have they?

FORGET IT LA! 

I still thinking of you when you belong to a friend of mine :'(

Yours sincerely,

Amylia