*Bloody Hell*

I am currently not really in good mood to talk. Sometimes I keep asking myself. Why do I bother? Wh people rush me into forgetting things. Damn. Its hard you know that. Its fucking hard. I dont know if I can ever do it. But I have to. I have to try.

Yesterday I see him damn happy. He laugh really hard and its been a long time I see him laugh like that. I guess he is happy. I should just let him be like that. But why is it so hard to let go? It is like saying goodbye. Its like forgetting things that ever happen.

Its true that a few guys ask me to go out with them. Ask me on a date. But I said no to all of them. I cannot. I am not willing to give anybody hope. I cannot. Because I find myself hopeless. I cannot ready to open up my heart to anybody. It has been close. Maybe forever. There is just too much for me to remember. Im sorry to all those people I disappoint. I cannot be anybody right now. And this is how I feel. Empty. I lost everything. But I will try to pick myself back up again. I will try very hard. Try to pick myself back up again. I am trying to go on with your absence. You left. I know right now I cannot accept the fact that you are gone. But I will try. You seem so happy. I cannot let you see that I am here suffering. I know you dont visit here anymore so I am safe saying all this things. I doubt that I ever cross your mind now. Unless you see me in school. But I thank you for talking to me in class. I know my replies is so emotionless. Sometimes I dont respond at all but slowly I will adapt.

I walk to the place where it all started. I walk to the beach. And I reach to the waterbreaker. Memories. Everything started there. That is when I start to accept you. Start to love you back. Remember you ask me that time at the tasik.

You: I notice something about you.

Me: What thing?

You: You dont say those 3 words often to me.

Me: I know. Its hard for me to say it to any other people unless I mean it.

You: Good. So now I know eveytime when you said those words to me I know you meant it.

Me: *shows my finger* this ring represent that I would not fall in love unless I am ready. I will remove it when I am ready to be in love

You: Good.

Now that ring is back on my finger. Because I find no point to be in love anymore because it doesnt matter. I been hurt too many times. I cannot be that person anymore. To those people that ever know me. I am sorry. I cannot be that person anymore. I am emotionless now. I dont really bother things anymore.

p.s I still love you.